Walloping the little beasties from hell with our torn and bent fly swatter has been an exercise in futility. Well, I’ve had it with these winged pests congregating on my uncovered tostadas to plot my early demise. Sadly, my initial and lengthy quest for the latest and greatest flying horde killing device resulted in being grievously disappointed. The dispair resulting from my initial inquiries for a quality fly swatting device almost ended up with my embracing a nihilistic worldview: I was beginning to think that there would be no triumph of moral goodness. Though I was on the verge of believing that mankind had given up its fight against the forces of darkness and that the making superior fly swatters was once and for all a lost art, I was, however, constrained by the noisy flying black bug to give it one more try. Thankfully, my thorough research led me to the discovery of an old school craftsman who truly understands the spiritual implications of waging war against the vile emissaries of Beelzebub (lord of the flies). Yes, you guessed it, I found myself at the doorstep of an Amish craftsman who has been producing handcrafted weapons of destruction — no longer will these airborne disease laden denizens of hell invade our peaceful domicile. As one might expect Amazon provided the link to a fly free refuge.
If you too are looking for fly relief, then you might want to read the following two fly "whapping" reviews I found on Amazon. The first review I found to be the most historically researched and scientifically informative.
Fly swatters are another of those dying breed of products like rotary dial phones, TV’s with picture tubes, cassette players, etc. that used to be found in every home but these days not so much. If you walk into even the big mega department stores looking for one you likely won’t even find one. And when you do, like here at Amazon, they are almost always the one-piece molded plastic things that are stamped out by the billions in China.
My great-aunt from Pennsylvania had an Amish-made fly swatter. She was 92 and when she aimed for a fly she could have been Annie Oakley … she never missed a shot. Her fly swatter, which she probably had all of her life, was a supple piece of perforated leather with what looked like a bent metal coat hanger attached to it.
Here are some little-known things about fly swatters that you probably never knew:
1. The device really shouldn’t be called a fly swatter at all. Swatting flies is what you do with your hand or what a horse does with its tail. Your mission with one of these things is to KILL the fly, not just swat at it. A much more appropriate name should be a Fly Whapper.
2. The cheap plastic things are designed all wrong for whapping flies. First off they are usually brightly colored. Flies have hundreds of thousands of “eyes”, in fact fly eyes have the fastest visual responses in the animal kingdom. So, bottom line is that if you want to surprise them the last thing you want is a neon pink piece of plastic flailing at one of them.
3. Plastic fly swatters are also too rigid. My great aunt’s fly whapper had a wire handle just like this Amish one does … and for a good reason. The thin wire minimize the disruption of air currents, which can be detected by the fly and allow it to escape, and also reduce air resistance, making it easier to hit a fast-moving target such as a fly. The thicker, more rigid plastic handle is like sending an engraved warning notice to the fly that you’re about to hit it. It’s the same reason that a rolled up newspaper rarely actually hits a fly.
4. There are some other (similar) handmade fly whappers with a leather pad at the end but they use a wooden handle. Same thing … the wooden handle isn’t whippy enough, to be able to flex just before the moment of impact for maximum squoosh with minimum damage caused by hitting other objects.
5. Finally, the business end of the fly whapper, let’s call it the “pad”. For absolute maximum whippiness there is nothing that beats natural leather. There was another kind of pad that’s hard to find now that was a fabric mesh like a dense window screen. They were a close second to natural leather in whippiness. The cheap plastic pads aren’t even in the same league as either of the above.
So, you’re shopping for a fly whapper and you now know that those bright neon colors that attract your eye also attracts all of the thousands of eyes on the fly and destroy your chances of a stealth approach. You’ve also learned that a stiff handle can be your worst enemy when whapping flies … the whippier the handle the better. You’ve also learned that my 92 year old aunt had a batting average that makes yours look like junior league and she did it with an old Amish fly whapper that wasn’t too different from this one.
This second review of the wooden handle “whapper” was clearly the most inspiring and appealed to my manhood and my desire to make a positive impact for world peace, but in the end science and history won out.
This is the greatest fly swatter on planet earth. It is the champion, the Alpha, the G.O.A.T. among swatters. When men hold it, your testosterone count will double, your car will get nicer, your abs become visible, and the best-looking woman in the room will wrap herself around your leg and look up adoringly at you like in those old movie posters. When women hold it, well, uh, I wouldn’t know. But something amazing will certainly happen.
It is 16” of solid wood, with a thick leather flap riveted to it with titanium (probably not, but they should be) fasteners. It feels like a king-sized leather quilt lagged to a 4x4 fencepost. You will wield this swatter like Excalibur, like Durendal, like Anakin’s lightsaber, like Wallace wielding his broadsword against the English. You will swing it like Babe Ruth, swinging for the fences in his prime. Flying insects of all types will tremble at the mere whisper of your swatter. They will simply fall dead from fear when you & your swatter enter the room.
However, with great power comes great responsibility. Like King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone, only the worthy can tame this beast. When you swing it, you will shatter breakables, strip paint, and crush the bones of the unworthy. You are Thor with his Mjolnir, and you must exercise caution at all times, like the noble Avenging hero that you will be. Don’t swing angry… anger leads to hate, and hate is of the dark side. If you take the quick & easy path, an agent of evil you will become. You will become like Negan, coldly & mercilessly swinging Lucille. You don’t want this.
Also, this weapon of mass destruction is made by the Amish here in ‘Merica! With each swift stroke that brings death to an insect of evil, the national anthem will spontaneously play and American flags will flutter regally in the breeze, even when there is no wind. Eagles will fly, Old Glory will dance, Rosie will rivet. A small purchase on Amazon will be a great leap for mankind. If Reagan had had this thing, he could have ended the Cold War. Plus, you know, you’re supporting the Amish and stuff.
I’m telling you, buy this fly swatter. And do not look back. Don’t look back. You too, for less than $20, can be a superhero! The world needs you! The insects are coming!
If you too are looking for fly relief, then you might want to read the following two fly "whapping" reviews I found on Amazon. The first review I found to be the most historically researched and scientifically informative.
Fly swatters are another of those dying breed of products like rotary dial phones, TV’s with picture tubes, cassette players, etc. that used to be found in every home but these days not so much. If you walk into even the big mega department stores looking for one you likely won’t even find one. And when you do, like here at Amazon, they are almost always the one-piece molded plastic things that are stamped out by the billions in China.
My great-aunt from Pennsylvania had an Amish-made fly swatter. She was 92 and when she aimed for a fly she could have been Annie Oakley … she never missed a shot. Her fly swatter, which she probably had all of her life, was a supple piece of perforated leather with what looked like a bent metal coat hanger attached to it.
Here are some little-known things about fly swatters that you probably never knew:
1. The device really shouldn’t be called a fly swatter at all. Swatting flies is what you do with your hand or what a horse does with its tail. Your mission with one of these things is to KILL the fly, not just swat at it. A much more appropriate name should be a Fly Whapper.
2. The cheap plastic things are designed all wrong for whapping flies. First off they are usually brightly colored. Flies have hundreds of thousands of “eyes”, in fact fly eyes have the fastest visual responses in the animal kingdom. So, bottom line is that if you want to surprise them the last thing you want is a neon pink piece of plastic flailing at one of them.
3. Plastic fly swatters are also too rigid. My great aunt’s fly whapper had a wire handle just like this Amish one does … and for a good reason. The thin wire minimize the disruption of air currents, which can be detected by the fly and allow it to escape, and also reduce air resistance, making it easier to hit a fast-moving target such as a fly. The thicker, more rigid plastic handle is like sending an engraved warning notice to the fly that you’re about to hit it. It’s the same reason that a rolled up newspaper rarely actually hits a fly.
4. There are some other (similar) handmade fly whappers with a leather pad at the end but they use a wooden handle. Same thing … the wooden handle isn’t whippy enough, to be able to flex just before the moment of impact for maximum squoosh with minimum damage caused by hitting other objects.
5. Finally, the business end of the fly whapper, let’s call it the “pad”. For absolute maximum whippiness there is nothing that beats natural leather. There was another kind of pad that’s hard to find now that was a fabric mesh like a dense window screen. They were a close second to natural leather in whippiness. The cheap plastic pads aren’t even in the same league as either of the above.
So, you’re shopping for a fly whapper and you now know that those bright neon colors that attract your eye also attracts all of the thousands of eyes on the fly and destroy your chances of a stealth approach. You’ve also learned that a stiff handle can be your worst enemy when whapping flies … the whippier the handle the better. You’ve also learned that my 92 year old aunt had a batting average that makes yours look like junior league and she did it with an old Amish fly whapper that wasn’t too different from this one.
This second review of the wooden handle “whapper” was clearly the most inspiring and appealed to my manhood and my desire to make a positive impact for world peace, but in the end science and history won out.
This is the greatest fly swatter on planet earth. It is the champion, the Alpha, the G.O.A.T. among swatters. When men hold it, your testosterone count will double, your car will get nicer, your abs become visible, and the best-looking woman in the room will wrap herself around your leg and look up adoringly at you like in those old movie posters. When women hold it, well, uh, I wouldn’t know. But something amazing will certainly happen.
It is 16” of solid wood, with a thick leather flap riveted to it with titanium (probably not, but they should be) fasteners. It feels like a king-sized leather quilt lagged to a 4x4 fencepost. You will wield this swatter like Excalibur, like Durendal, like Anakin’s lightsaber, like Wallace wielding his broadsword against the English. You will swing it like Babe Ruth, swinging for the fences in his prime. Flying insects of all types will tremble at the mere whisper of your swatter. They will simply fall dead from fear when you & your swatter enter the room.
However, with great power comes great responsibility. Like King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone, only the worthy can tame this beast. When you swing it, you will shatter breakables, strip paint, and crush the bones of the unworthy. You are Thor with his Mjolnir, and you must exercise caution at all times, like the noble Avenging hero that you will be. Don’t swing angry… anger leads to hate, and hate is of the dark side. If you take the quick & easy path, an agent of evil you will become. You will become like Negan, coldly & mercilessly swinging Lucille. You don’t want this.
Also, this weapon of mass destruction is made by the Amish here in ‘Merica! With each swift stroke that brings death to an insect of evil, the national anthem will spontaneously play and American flags will flutter regally in the breeze, even when there is no wind. Eagles will fly, Old Glory will dance, Rosie will rivet. A small purchase on Amazon will be a great leap for mankind. If Reagan had had this thing, he could have ended the Cold War. Plus, you know, you’re supporting the Amish and stuff.
I’m telling you, buy this fly swatter. And do not look back. Don’t look back. You too, for less than $20, can be a superhero! The world needs you! The insects are coming!
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